Auburn/West Virginia Live Blog

7:54pm: What is it with posterboard cut outs in West Virginia? Do you not want us to actually see anything but your face? Does it make you cooler to hide behind that drawing of Bert and Ernie? I know they are your heroes, but damn...

7:53 pm: Dear ESPN: For all future Erin Andrews sideline reports, please make sure we get a camera on her....It's bad enough I have to listen to Lou Holtz, at least let me see Erin.


7:37pm: Please take a moment of silence for Chris Todd at this point. Somewhere in Auburn, he is pounding whiskey and telling everyone stories of the first part of the year when he was the Auburn QB. "You see that QB Draw? I coulda done that...fuck it, who am I kiddin...gimme another beer".

7:24pm: West Virginia people are scary. Its not normal to kill a raccoon and wear it on your head to a football game. Somewhere, there is a trailor park empty in Morgantown. I want to know what they cook at tailgates up there. What is a quick and easy way to prepare armadillo? Do you bring one with you or do you hope to hit one on the way to the stadium?

7:06pm: Well this is going to be a short game. 20 plays? Wow...It may not be pretty but I don't think we're gonna see much of the spread from the Auburn tonight. Pat White can't beat ya if he's not on the field. By the way, Chris Berman is officially the most annoying sportscaster of all time. Why the hell is he on NutriSystem commercials? When I think of "in shape" people I wanna look like, Chris Berman isn't on the top of my list. Oh yeah, by the way, Fat Boy Season has officially begun for those who celebrate it...and this year is off to a resounding start so far.

6:49pm: Tommy Turberville looks cold. Let's take a moment to think about the good things that have come from West Virginia....ummmm....the filming of Silence of the Lambs and The X Files...coal, lots of coal....oh yeah, and Mr. Sunshine on my God Damn Shoulder John Denver himself. Take me home country roads.

6:30pm: Why does ESPN do this to me? All i wanna do is sit back and enjoy a good football game. I hear the familiar Thursday night voice of Chris Fowler and then *BAM* they are in the studio..wait wait, no that can't mean that..."And now calling the game, Mark May, Rece Davis, and Lou Fucking Holtz". Really guys? I hope Ssssenderick Marks has a great game just to hear Holtz try to pronounce his name. This is gonna be fun. I'm gonna grab a beer.

6:15pm: 20 minues from kickoff and we have returned from Mike and Ed's BBQ with a mountain of food. Its always a good sign when you have exactly as many to go bags as you do people. And no, this is not Raccoon meat we're eatin here...we'll save that for Steve.

Well fans, 2 of your average southern joes and your favorite average southern jane are camped out in Tuscaloosa on a dreary cold evening preparing to watch the Tigers and Mountaineers do battle. We will be bringing you all the events live here on ASJ.com...a first for us. This should be fun....

Heath/Trey/Chelsea

Tell the rest of the NCAA to bring it on . . .

Hey there kids . . . Island Joe here with the ASJ's first blog since the release of the Bowl Championship Series rankings. It seems that the Earth has righted itself, and all the universe is in harmony, for the SEC is back to its old self again. With four teams (Alabama, Georgia, Florida, and LSU) all sporting positions in the BCS top 25, and teams like Kentucky, Vandy, and Ole Miss showing they can flex a bit of muscle in national spotlight, it seems that the trend in the SEC is one that us fans are all too familiar with: Twelve teams beating the shit out of each other, and the last one standing playing the Big 12 or Big 10 for the National Title.

If you need any evidence for this, just take a look at Alabama's game this past weekend with Ole Miss. The Tide came out swinging, going up 24 - 3 against the Rebels in the first half. The second half, however, was an entirely different story. The Ole Miss defense made their presence known, shutting down Alabama's offense, while Sneed and the Old Miss "O" laid out 17 unanswered points. Alabama also squeaked out a win two-weeks before against a fired-up Wildcat squad. The point being both games had strong potential to be outright upsets for the Crimson Tide.

But not everyone has been as lucky as those boys from Alabama. Auburn is sporting two black-eyes courtesy of Vandy and Arkansas, and Ole Miss' big stop against Florida in the Swamp got the Gators just ornery enough to take a bite out of the Bayou Bengals. And I wouldn't be a true Alabama fan if I didn't mention the Tide kicking the lights on during Georgia's black-out.

Yep, you might as well go ahead pick up some iron underwear SEC fans, 'cause it looks like we're back to biting each other in the ass.

Oh, and if anyone is looking for Tennessee's gameplan, I think Fulmer ate it.

'Til next time.

Ole Miss/Bama weekend (Special Thanks to Hooters)

Well 2 of your favorite average joes embarked on an epic journey this weekend. Steve's Rebels vs Heath's Tide. A previous post from one of our best friends begged for prayers of our saftety. We're excited to post that we both made it back alive. A full account of our activities will be posted later, but for now, I just needed to share our last stop with you. Upon leaving Tuscaloosa, we stopped at the local Hooters to look at something better than each other, rehydrate our bodies, and eliminate our whiskey hangovers (yeah, somebody call Harry's by the way and tell them they need to order more House Whiskey b/c these Joes drank them out of house and home). Having lived in Tuscaloosa for 4 years, I knew that we could not drink beer on Sunday there for the NFL games, but this was not a problem as we were probably still a little buzzed from Saturday night. Thank you to our Goodfellas loving waitress Lindee.... and to Jess, who does a GREAT Brodie Croyle impersonation, for making our last stop one of our best ones. Whoever invented Hooters, I need to shake your hand...and furthermore whoever decided to let these girls wear football jerseys deserves a raise.

--Heath



















This is definately the best that Brodie Croyle has looked this year...Hell, with all props to my buddy Brodie, maybe if you looked like this ... NFL Defenses would let you actually finish a game.











A couple Goodfellas in their own right with Lindee, the gorgeous vixen from Tuscaloosa.

Steve's Take on BahrBryant Town

Holee Shit! When we got out of Mobile that Saturday morning the drive was going pretty normal until we hit the "nuthin' but woods" part of southwest Alabama. Then like an organized attack squadron hell bent on redneckdom, they merged on the highway with Tuscaloosa the target. Every damn car was Crimson. A sense of panic came over my Rebel ass as I realized I'm in BFE on the highway surrounded by these people. Folks, it was like a remake of those Mad Max movies in the desert where they were hopped up on shit driving dune buggies. Only these guys were probably hopped up on meth: "Damn Sheila...it's three hours to 'Loosa! We got enough shit to last till we get to Buford's trailer on the Quad?"

The game was what it was. Alabama came out and ripped us a new asshole in the first half. Then they went in the locker room. The Tide was celebrating or something like the game was already over. Someone forgot to tell them Coach O is no longer our turdtastic coach. He was replaced by a man who is completely bat shit crazy. Maybe Bama just coasted through the second half (b/s) but it spoke volumes of Ole Miss to go into the second half and respond the way they did. But bottom line.... the better team one. Still, Snead is one bad mofo.

After the game, Bama fans want to say good game and shit like that. Like us hanging in there till the end was some kind of moral victory. Moral Victories are for deaf kids trying to play bingo and sidewalk Bama alumni. I bet if  the Rebs had won, I would have had to run for my life. 

Ate at Jupiter's. Turkey wrap hit the spot, beer was ice cold, and our waitress had on a loose T-shirt and yet you could still see these beautiful (and real..) sweater puppies bouncing as she walked. God bless her. Went to Harry's. Had some Old Crow. Told a girl in the bar I was an OBGYN. I told her she should let me take a look at her. She thought I was funny. Like, retarded funny.

Went to Hooter's before we left town. Those damn girls in there were fine as hell. Better the skanktastics we got in Mobile and Biloxi. They had a guy manager there who walked around like he was the man up in there. I was jealous of him for no reason and thought of ways of sneak attacking him while I ate my wings. Still, it was a good trip. An Ole Miss victory would have made it sweeter.

I am concerned........

Some members of this very group had some words with each other during last year's Alabama vs. Ole Miss game. I wasn't in attendance, so I can't verify what actually happened. If you watched the game, you may remember that Ole Miss lost on a very controversial call at the end of the game. Some Jack had been consumed and some feelings got bruised. Hurtful things were said and people were testy. Someone threw a chair over a fence. Luckily no one got hurt.

Unfortunately I will not be attending the game this year. I don't have a dog in this fight. I do implore you to say a prayer for my friends. I just hope no one dies. Rammer Jammer and Hotty Toddy!

Good times on the Plains.....

It must be nice to be an offensive coordinator at Auburn. We recently caught up with the last two offensive coordinators of Auburn Football, Al Borges, and the recently departed Tony Franklin. Here's what happened.

Times are tough in KnoxVegas

Philly Phil, Oh Philly Phil. Where art thou Philly Phil? Tennesse this year has fallen into a tumultous..tumultoous...fuck it, bad spin over the past year. That first game with UCLA was a free pass. It was a long way to the west coast, and it was Coach Sweater Vest's first game in his powder blue. Think Neuhisal took the Bruins and the spread? Hmm I'll have to check into that.

Anyway, after pummeling a scary foe in the great UAB Blazers, the Volunteers have plummeted faster than it takes Fat Phil to inhale a dozen fresh hot glazed doughnuts. By the way, did you know Jimmy Buffett is the majority stock owner in Krispy Kreme? Word on the street is he's gonna remake a song with Phil Fulmer entitled Chocolate Covered Glaze Filled in paradise. Keep your ears open America!

SEC FOOTBALL FANS

College football got underway and I couldn't be happier. At the same time, I can't get any more annoyed. It's when all these bandwagon assholes pop their head out of their trailer to start screaming for their favorite adult detention center.

Arkansas- After rolling around in the hay with their cousin all summer, these guys put on their John Deere hat and overalls and scream, "Whooeee Pig Sooeee!" What in God's name? Just think of the Mountain Men in "Deliverance" and you get the picture. And you know what happened to them? Burt Reynolds killed them with a bow and arrow.

Vanderbilt- These pompous assholes are too busy studying how to be pompous assholes to worry about football. That and their program sucks.

Georgia- These guys think they invented football and think Herchel Walker still plays for them. Whatever...just keep Matt Stafford away from Talladega Speedway.

Auburn- I've yet to meet an obnoxious Auburn fan, so they get a free pass.

Kentucky- They are too busy cheating and buying basketball players to worry about football. That and their program sucks, too.

LSU- Holeee Shit! Have you not heard? Them Tigers are the best damn football program in the nation! Well yeah, shithead! You don't have another school in the state to compete against in recruiting. Who Tulane? Please....you scream for no reason before, during and after football games. Why? Just to make sure you are still breathing? Smoke your unfiltered cigarette, drink your Milwaukee's Best Light, and try to keep your girlfriend from fighting and cussing so much.

South Carolina- Sometimes you just forget they are there......

Florida- Folks, if you don't think mullets and cut-off jorts(blue jean shorts) no longer exist, then you need to meet a Gator fan. Not only do they usually look they should be on Dog the Bounty Hunter but chances are they were. Or Cheaters. Or Jerry Springer. Meth ruins lives, people.

Tennessee- What is wrong with these fans? Everything. Just posting a blog; not trying to write a novel.

Alabama- Oh boy. Bama is back. Just like last year. And the year before that. But THIS is the year. We got us a recruiting championship this year! I will give these uber douches this much....they are stubborn as shit. "Hey, Bama fan, the sky is blue." 'No the hell it's not! Bear Bryant said the sky is Crimson! And he never lied!' Sure buddy, just leave your one remaining tooth under your pillow and "The Bahr" will leave you a loss at home to Louisiana-Monroe.

Mississippi State-Cowbells and Jailcells. Starkghanistan is one helluva whole in the wall. One of the few places on earth where you could possibly get mugged on campus. Or go watch a 0-0 thriller spring game. But they should be okay against Lousiana Tech in the first game....uh well nevermind. But hey you still got the Dawg Pound Rock!

Ole Miss-No one is harsher on Ole Miss fans than ourselves. But we don't really talk a lot of shit, because we don't have time. Too much bourbon to sip, too many gorgeous ladies to gawk at, and well, we actually watch the games. And we stick around during the tough times (and there have been plenty lately).

Should be a good year for the majority of the SEC though. It could be worse....you could be a Southern Mississippi fan.

-STEVE

How bout them Browns?

Well we got a double whammy this week for inner-Joe rivalries. Monday night football featured Steve's Super Bowl Champion New York Giants against Heath's hapless Cleveland Browns. While I have to admit, I didn't think we had much of a chance, the DawgPound ran rampid in Cleveland last night. Jamal Lewis looked like somebody was dangling coke in front of him all night and Derek Anderson finally got his head out of his ass. Oh yeah, and remember Braylon Edwards? This just in, he can finally catch a pass.

I'm Eli Manning and I'm your gosh damn Super Bowl MVP!

Tuesday Morning Pointless Youtube

So apparently, there is a chick that broadcasts results of weekly college football games on Youtube. This is journalism at its finest. Especially pay attention to the buildup to the first game: (Usually when a trojan meets a beaver good things follow!) Whatch out Suzy Kolber, Shi Ne is out to get you!

Ahh...Ole Miss vs Bama week

What a great week for the average southern joes to start a blog. You see, the founding fathers consist of entirely Alabama and Ole Miss fans. This is gonna be fun. With all of us heading to Tuscaloosa for the game this week, look for updates as the week goes on.



POINTLESS YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE DAY


Don't worry Ole Miss fans, the future is being passed on as we speak. This kid has a bright future. Don't talk with your mouth full son, didn't Papa Orgeron teach you better? Its a wild boy in the making!

Yaw Yaw Football

Welcome to the Average Southern Joes!

Prepare yourself for the ride of your life. Welcome to the world of simplicity turned into complexity, thanks to your good old buddy alcohol. We are just a few random guys, liking a bunch of random things, blogging randomly. The one constant is that we look at the lighter side of life. A great man once said you may as well laugh as to cry, and we are good at that. There will be blogs about sports, life (wait, those two are redundant), and anything in between. Welcome to our world. And prepare to laugh your ass off.

==Heath