If This is a Dream...Don't Wake Me Up

Once upon a time there was a magical forest where one of the greatest towns on the planet was inhabited by beautiful women, good bourbon, and Ole Miss football.  Times were not always perfect in the town of Oxford, but then again, where is?  But one day the athletic director and board of trustees smoked crack until five in the morning and gave the keys to the football program to a mean Ogre who was a shrimp boat captain from Louisiana. He came and burned the program to the ground while singing, "Yaw, Yaw, Yaw" at the top of his lungs and blowing a 14-0 lead in the fourth quarter to the evil school to east that worships cows and the bells which they ring.  All was lost in Oxford, even though the Ogre was long gone.

But one day, the athletic director and board of trustees came to the realization they were abusing narcotics and said to themselves, "What have we done?"  They knew they must find redemption for themselves and the town of Oxford.  On Christmas they were visited by the three spirits of Ole Miss: Colonel Rebel, Coach Johnny Vaught and Archie Manning. To the group did the three say, "Get your fucking head out of your ass and open your damn wallet!  Hire a coach who knows a shit or two about football!"

To the west, in a state called Arkansas, they found a man who had been training pigs how to fly and run really fast for ten years.  But the pigs grew tired of the Nutt who had brought them so much, and he was banished from the Sty.  He, too now, was seeking redemption.  The people from Oxford set up an interview with the pig trainer and asked what he could bring to magical town of Oxford. He stated firmly, "I will throw that fucking pigskin down the throat of the School of Cowbells to the tune of 45-0. I will go to Swamp of Gators and smite the biggest Gator of them all, the one they dare not name but I will. The one they call Tebow."

The athletic director and board of trustees were almost convinced they were still high on crack, but the man had an aura of magic around him and they, albeit reluctantly, gave him the keys to the magic kingdom. And lo and behold if the Nutt did not come through on his promises and them some! He even went to the filthy town of Baton Rouge and stabbed through the black hearts of the hybrid hyena/raccoons! Joy had truly come back to Oxford! And then on the second day of the year 2009 he gathered his knights to go to land of Dallas to wage battle with evil Red Raiders of Texas Tech!

But that is a story for another day......

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Goodnight.

-Steve

2008 SEC Season Wrap Up

Let us take a moment to recap our twelve favorite adult detention centers.  Short and sweet style.

Alabama - Well fuck me.  That is one hell of a process.  I'm gonna have to hire Saban to get me some skanks.  I had these apes going 6-6 again and they go out and whip teams like they stole Jimmy John's stash.  Meth will motivate you, people.

Arkansas - Not bad, Bobby P.  I will be the first to admit when you get your own boys in there you porkers are gonna be one tough out.  But you still suck.

Auburn - Well the spread just absolutely did not fucking work.  But I got mad respect for Tubs.  He should drop six of them fingers and give one to Auburn's board of trustees.

Florida - Other than the hiccup against Ole Miss, who in the hell could beat this invasion on wheels?  I mean they literally beat brain cells out of defenses this year.  Tebow may not end up being worth a shit on Sundays but I will tell my kids about one of the baddest son of bitches to ever play football on Saturdays.  I still hate him though.

Georgia - They had a brutal schedule but when you are a preseason number one this had to be  a disappointing season.  There was one highlight for me though.  He can deny it all he wants, but I saw bible thumping Mark Richt mouth the word "fuck" during the Bama game.

Kentucky -"Another bowl? Blah Blah.... Is it basketball season yet?"  I find it funny that this is the best run EVER for their football team and worst run EVER for their basketball team and they don't even notice.  Retarded people usually don't notice when you are making fun of them either.

LSU - I would just like to thank God for bringing these obnoxious, unfiltered cigarette chain smoking, meth induced, not allowed in Chucky Cheese's, beyond the point of delusional, wife beating (they probably deserved it), dipshits back to earth. Praise God and God Bless America.

Ole Miss - I never would have imagined this season, but man it was a great ride.  As a diehard, it was like riding a rollercoaster. And the Florida game left me unable to speak for two days (my friends were happy about that).  But good teams win the close ones and Wake Forest, Vanderbilt, and Alabama losses reminded me we are not that good.  But man, is the future looking bright.  "Ole Miss girls were but on this earth to inspire great men." Yessir. But don't forget good head.

Mississippi State - Oh man.  They turned the corner alright.  Right into a dump truck of shit.

South Carolina - They were a very odd team this year. Almost Jekyll and Hyde like.  Spurrier is so gone after next season.  He deserves better.  Like Clemson better.

Tennessee - You hear that exhale coming out Knoxville? That's because they forklifted Phil Fulmer's fat ass out of Neyland Stadium.  I will give credit where credit is due. That man took mediocre coaching to the next level and ran with it.

Vanderbilt - These fuckers got bowl eligible and just gave up the rest of the season.  That's like auditioning for a porn, somehow getting the job, and not going through with it. That's just gay. Not that there is anything wrong with gay. They did beat my precious Ole Miss.*

* Only because Dexter McCluster fumbled the fucking ball on a one yard line run!!! How in the fuck do you do that?  I could have gave the ball on the one to a diehard Rebel with nothing but nubbins like Lt. Dan and I swear, I mean swear to God that son of bitch would have held onto the damn ball.  He would have been proud to just put on that jersey and walk through the tunnel.  You send him in to run the ball he would have thrown a grenade into the defense's huddle to get that ONE FUCKING YARD TOUCHDOWN!!!! 

But I'm not bitter.

Well it's bowl season. The one time of year the conference teams like each other. Kinda like families at Christmas.

2008 SEC Championship

Very rarely does one get to see a ballgame hyped quiet as much as today's SEC Championship. Even less times does one get to see a ballgame that lives up to the hype of such game. Today, my friends, we saw a classic. As an avid Bama fan, this is the hardest post I've had to make all year, but I feel that I must do it. Alabama simply lost to the better team on this given day at this given time. I hate the prognosticators that say "Well, what would happen if these two teams played 10 times". That doesn't matter. Florida won today, and there was no "iffy" calls, no "if this, or but this" to take away from them. Alabama played 4 quarters with 2 penalties (although both penalties extended drives that led to points for the Gators), one turnover that really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, and only a couple of what I call mental mistakes. Lots of Bama fans were appalled at the fact that their beloved Crimson Tide could be 10 pt underdogs. I have to admit, I took Bama +9 today, and would have taken them straight up going into this game. The game was probably closer than its 31-20 finish, but I take my hat off to Florida. Without Percy Harvin, and perhaps more importantly, without their 2 Defensive Tackles that provide depth for their Defensive Line against a viscious Running Game, Florida found a way to win this game. These are the things that champions are made of. Florida will go on to play what appears to be Oklahoma in the BCS Championship game. Tim Tebow is my new Peyton Manning. I may not "like" you young man, because you have beaten my favorite team both times you have played them, but I respect you to the utmost degree for the way you lead your team, and the never say die, no quit attitude that you represent. In a very hard fought loss for my brethren, hold your head up Tide: we showed no quit, and did not beat ourself. We were beaten by the best team in the SEC, who played mistake free football themselves. I hope the 31-20 score does not water down what a great game this was for the SEC, and more importantly, college football. Now go on Gators, get your National Championship and lets keep this in the family.

-Heath